


Never enough

by Oumy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Do you really need tags to know this will be painful?, I needed to cry, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 08:16:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18406706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oumy/pseuds/Oumy
Summary: Post- breakdown scene in 3×17, because while Magnus' feelings were there for us to see, and sob over, Alec's were not, and my heart is breaking for the both of them 💔





	Never enough

As he held him in his arms, Alec could feel his heart crack inside, seeping pain and misery and a cold loneliness that made no sense. He felt like he'd lost him. Despite Magnus being right there in his arms, Alec felt like he'd lost. It felt like greeting an old friend, like embracing something he had thought was gone but turned out always lurked around the corner waiting for the right moment to tell him that he was never going to be enough.

As his boyfriend's sobs turned into hiccups, he knew that no matter how much he loved him, the wound in Magnus' chest would keep on oozing, until one day, Magnus would despise him and their life together, and Alec would rather die than live through a day where Magnus felt anything but love and affection towards him.

So, he held the most beautiful thing that happened to him in his arms and realized the truth for what it was. His love was never going to be enough. Magnus needed saving, and no position and threatening was going to do the trick. For this, he needed to lay his heart and soul on the line, because if his love wasn't enough to heal Magnus, the least it could do was help save him. 

He led Magnus to their room, muttering sweet nothings in his ear as his shaking grew quieter and his limbs unfurled, probably weighted down by exhaustion and drunkenness. He led his boyfriend to the bed, removing his shoes and taking off his jacket, letting him settle his head on the pillow. As he moved away, Magnus grabbed his hand. Alec looked back at his boyfriend, feeling the weight of the ring box burning a hole through his trousers' pocket.

Magnus lifted hazy red rimmed eyes to him and said in a hoarse voice "I'm sorry I ruined your dinner"

Alec could feel the crack in his heart grow wider, a chasm being filled with the unfairness of their fate, because as much as he wanted to rage, it wasn't Magnus' fault. He had lost an integral part of him and he was in pain, and Alec couldn't blame him for anything. He just hated the feeling of being too helpless to ease his suffering. It was driving him insane to have the only comfort he could grant be a shoulder to cry on when Magnus needed a miracle, one he couldn't provide.

He sat on the edge of the bed, right by Magnus' hip and put his hand on Magnus' cheek, grazing his thumb over his skin "You have nothing to apologize for". His eyes skimmed over Magnus' features, etching them into memory, because Alec had an ominous feeling in the pit of his stomach, a feeling that he might not get the possibility to freely gaze upon this wonderful tortured soulf for much longer. He drew up a smile for Magnus' benefit and leaned down to place a reverant peck on his forehead, speaking the words Magnus wasn't awake to hear the last time "I love you more than anything in the world".

Magnus' eyes closed, and a small sad smile was traced on his lips. Alec pecked those too, sealing an unspoken promise with a kiss. He would make this right, somehow, someway, he would fix this for him. He had to.

The alcohol had already led Magnus into sleep, so Alec carefully moved from the bed, crossing to the door and looking back at the sleeping blurry figure of the man he had thought would be his fiancé by this very moment, and realized his eyes were overtaken by the sheen of tears. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be... But it was what it was, so he left the room, knowing full well he was leaving his heart behind. He wiped his eyes and heaved a long breath. Putting armor back around his heart would be pointless, for it would feel like guarding an empty cage.

It was time to have a chat with the King of Hell.

**Author's Note:**

> I just hurt myself by doing this honestly. Let me know what you think.


End file.
